My life presently is far different from what I envisioned back in 2007. I was living in Maryland, USA, enjoying entering my 30s. I had my own apartment, a great job, and I had just purchased a brand-new vehicle. I wondered if I would get married, but I remember not feeling “pressed” about the subject matter. I remember feeling a sense of accomplishment and security for the first time in my adult life. I finally accomplished what I often wondered and worried about concerning, if I would be able to take care of myself, if I will be single most if not all my adult life.
The tale shifted, and everything changed again. I married someone that I knew for 13 years. We dated only for a few months prior to marrying on Friday, August 10, 2007 and I remember that day very well. It was a very quiet day. I spent the entire day by myself. I also even remember standing in the hallway of the church with my Dad and not really feeling nervous. When I walked down the aisle and looked at the man that I had called my friend, there was never a fleeting thought in my mind that the relationship would be one of the hardest things that I would ever endure.
I had spent 8 ½ years trying to fix my marriage…. trying to fix my husband. The very first mistake that I made in marrying my husband was I allowed him to convince me that he was ready for something that I knew his character could not handle. I knew that he was broken from previous life disappointments and relationship hurts. However, I thought it was primarily because of his first marriage but I later found out that it was much deeper than that. It was rooted all the way back to his childhood. I understand we all have baggage including me. Some of us just tote that baggage in nicer luggage than others. He did not love, respect or value himself therefore there was no way that he could extend that to me. But beyond all, I believe “the thing” that stung the most was that he didn’t seem to want to make a consistent effort to change for the better. He admitted that he was not where he needed and wanted to be even for himself. It is like being lost and someone gives you directions, yet you refuse to move from the spot you are in to get to where you need to be.
In the past month I remember being in my pastor’s office. He said to me “Tara…allow yourself to be broken for a while”. “Don’t be so quick to try and pick up the pieces”. He told me that I was not only human but a woman. And that separation and divorce is different for men than women. He encouraged me to take time and cry, take time to laugh, take trips, and have fun. He is the first person in my life to truly encourage me to live. He encouraged me to allow the pendulum to swing back and forth. He told me that this pendulum is moving back and forth at a high rate, but it will not be this way always. To understand that the momentum will slowly decline.
Through all that I have endured over the past 10 years, I am learning to let go of my past. I am learning to be at peace with all my mistakes. I am now beginning to understand the important lessons that are birthed out of the hurt and pain of life. In life there are no guarantees…So take time and enjoy the ride. Some of the best things in life are impromptu.